why does this happen..

I broke down today...

WHY does this happen so randomly??
Why did i randomly think of you and completely feel like i was dying crying in my bed,
not being able to catch my breath.  Feeling all that pain rushing back to my body,
my mind going crazy with flashes of every amazing memory we had together.
Why does this happen when i know i can do better, when i know i DESERVE better and don't even want you back.
It has been 7 months and i just dont want to remember you anymore. I dont want those random thoughts of thinking about you to ever cross my mind. Because when it happens, i dont want to live. That's how much it hurts. It hurts to think i will never be get that chance of actual happiness like you did.
I will never understand how any human could mentally and emotionally hurt someone else this bad.
How does one fully recover from this because i actually thought at one point i was all better. Maybe i am a little but after breaking down today. I caught that feeling of wanting to see you or to text you and i never wanted that feeling to ever come back. I was doing really good at blocking it out.
What i dont understand is what was i to you? For it to be so easy to get up walk away and jump into a new relationship?
Idk ignore that one i don't want to talk about that right now.
Right now, i am lost; i am hurting to the point i want to pick up that blade or to just take all those pills and never have to feel this pain again. I was doing so good.. what was the point of you popping up in my head again?
I feel like im going to be alone forever because even the sweetest and most cutest guy could try so hard for me and i wont give them a chance.. ive already hurt a few people because i wasnt ready for anything and they were willing to give me the world.
Lying and pretending is exhausting to do, i dont really know if im okay i say i am. but i dont know.....
Just think about it, to never have this pain ever again, to slip away into a happier place. If i could just go away without hurting anyone that'd be great.
Sadly, that is my every day thought.

why does happiness come so easy to the people who truly don't deserve it to be so easy after completely breaking someones soul, why cant they find happiness after learning their lesson to never hurt someone again?

to those who read this, please don't look up to me. I am going to let you down one day.
pain is real and it will destroy you no matter how hard to pretend it doesn't.


" The ones who notice the strom in your eyes,
 the silence in your voice, and the heaviness in
 your heart are the ones you NEED to let in."